Sitting in the car with tons of nothingness to do caused an idea to self strike. To eat a whole box of chocolates. The idea was not a new one, okay the concept was old but the chocolate is new, but it was a build up from ideas circulating ketosis and the way it affects the mind…how maybe all of this time suicide isn’t some crazy obscure concept but is actually the body trying to kill itself whenever we put the wrong things in it. Like a higher thinking self evolution. Fudging crazy I know, or is it simple enough for its simplicity to be what works? Occam’s razor moment. I reached this theory through venturing into the keto world about a year ago on April 2, 2014 and first hand…well mind and body, feeling how food can change the way you think and feel and function. I gained control over consumption and food had this bliss factor to where it tasted amazing when the body needed it and then it tasted bland when I was full and needed no food. My body was actually communicating. When it needed electrolytes I would crave salt and one week all I wanted to eat was Brussels sprouts and it turned out the flu was being passed around work and those delicious green buds help fight it.
I’ve dealt with depression and suicidal thoughts for many, many years. They are consuming and battle worthy and tend to have thoughts that go with them to the point it has always seemed as though these thoughts led to the need to stop existing but…the more I am into this lifestyle the less depressed I am and the more I want to live while the thoughts follow. I reached a low and didn’t understand why until the next day. It was intensely consuming that night. Basically I downed a shake (sugar laced into fluffed up sugar) and ate a few fries. This caused a spiral into suicidal thoughts I’d never reached before. How could one shake make me want to kill myself? The direct rebound is probably how it got so intense but the correlation was strong. From deep ketosis right into sugar mind. Weeks before I had gotten suicidal on a night where I realized there was no longer separation from my writing and myself, as though no thoughts were mine. Usually this was not a terror but that night it was stop existing worthy and in the morning it was yet again just a facet of who I was. My body was convincing me to not live in it anymore it felt….to stop having a future or a life. Being aware of this causes thoughts to be consuming…and…I don’t fully know yet but that is the point of this experiment.
Also I’ve been getting so cult minded on keto it’s freaking me out. To think that a diet could cause people to want to kill themselves is extreme and part of that mind but…what if it’s true? I’d rather be crazy and prove something than not do this at all.
So I’ve been in ketosis for weeks with no suicidal thoughts and was thinking about experimenting with fMRI machines in the future to be a case study and see exactly how it affects the mind to feed it the wrong things, and the body, and then even experiment with other animals being on wrong diets and seeing if they have suicidal tendencies if you do so. I know. Fudged up but ….science. So I ate chocolate, given as a birthday gift that I was going to hand off to a friend. Now it’s inside me instead. It was delicious too. Here is a video of me eating the last half since I could only take the first half in the car.
Due to lack of a fMRI and the ability to be a case study just yet at the neurological level I have decided to say fudge it and start the venture to prove a personal theory with a case dipped in self bias and soaked in qualitative with a crunchy exterior of self importance. Today a box of chocolates and to hit the lowest I can with hormones and injections and killy stuff I’m going to McDonalds tomorrow, defying the grass fed, cage free organic world I’ve been lovingly living in to appease the scientist in me who is stronger than the hippy side. So for a year/however long, I’ll gauge the way carbs and bad eating affect me and the suicide tendencies.