Don’t worry. I still thought about you all yesterday. I even made a sentence just for you.
Being in control of your life when everyone wants to buy it is the self war of my generation.
Yesterday was the last day of the fast food experiment phase. <(*_*)> I planned for longer but my heart was actually in pain and beat wrong and there are five stubborn pimples pimping my face out. I’m no gangsta I swear…sometimes I pretend and it’s fun to but I could make black turn white.
Goodbye Fast Food Forever/Until I Have a Neuroimaging Machine
The ending can also come because fast food made me depressed to some suicidal high notes that sweetly sang life is so hard come play maladaptive games (I sang it for you). I proved to myself that running the body on fast food…and sneaked spinach with squash sides that lightened those feelings, can make me have suicidal thoughts. An experimental annoyance is I’m preset to run into suicide thoughts as it runs in the mummy side of the family. Others can eat shit and not die. It’s a complication that some people can eat fast food and seem fine but I love complications because it means there is more to discover. They might also just be in control of it so being able to track suicidal thought on a neuroimaging machine will be able to rid that self bias factor.
There is beauty to people living. Every person reading this is choosing to live…that’s so profoundly blissfuckingly beautiful that…that I recorded sounds about it. Especially if there is truth to this idea that what we’ve been given instant access to eat is hurting our minds to the point of wanting to end our lives.
A giggly advantage to the experiment is all the friends that couldn’t cook for me their mouthgasm food while I was on keto can now cook away and are offering up their mad skills for my mouth. Until phase two they had to wait. Their food was too “healthy” for me.
So the fast food diet was based on my most suicidal friends and what they eat. I get it now…being on that food suppresses who you are and brings out a person of uncontrolled desire to rage outside or inside with head nausea and pain. To those who eat fast food you are lacking in who you could be and I’ve got the pimples and blog to prove it..mildly since I did fail at finishing phase one.
What you Missed:
Here are out loud musings from yesterday. The main one not said here is that I’ve reached the point in the experiment of qualitative data that mildly matters and might lead to insight but is better researched at a quantitative level which is where my future research will lie. This phase was highly worth it though to figure out what data to collect and to know what my future participants will be going through. Also I have a few depressed friends willing to try and go healthy and track that data to see if it can make them want to live with bright life feels and dancing orgasms.
Another discovery yesterday was lying…I lied about three times and that is something I have adamantly forced into fix mode. It destroyed moments of my life…including future ones and I haven’t lied in months. I would want to at first then truth tell instead and it’s faded but now has come back as I eat fast food. The lies had to do with fear of what would happen and a genuine belief of intensely negative outcomes. So I would lie and it would go away, rarely to haunt again but with fear latently ruling my life. Now, as inhibitions fade and quickly smite with anger I lie again for the sake of not dealing with it. My mind can’t handle life so it bounces it away with words….I genuinely hate listening to those words come out so I’ve stopped again but it was interesting how the fast food led to lie’s return.
I am detoxing today with eggs and zucchini to have a fresh start into phase two. Stay tuned.
Recorded Thoughts of Yesterday:
Could be from going until 2:20 AM last night and I know it’s one of those It’s Both! Situations but I don’t know to what scale each contibuted. Did this diet make it harder to handle being there late or did having to be there late, dealing with frat guys, getting tipped shit, and Tori not helping us clean lead to it? I’d say a lot of it had to do with circumstance.
I did discover I really hate soda. Not doing that anymore.
It bubbled and was harsh tasting. I mixed root beer and cherry coke and the first sips were delicious and then it just hurt and I felt stomach and body pain and how the fuck did they get people addicted to this shit? Did it used to taste better then we got addicted and now they just give us whatever but addiction is so strong we just keep drinking and drinking?
I unno anymore.
But no…that caused depressive spikes and lows. No further testing needed.
You would think that the things that taste good would be good for you. Right? Yes. Except for that we have memories. We have connections to these things tasting good. Why did they taste good in the first place then? Very very good question. Don’t know. It has a lot to do with what your mom ate in the womb and what your ancestors ate but I can assure you keto tastes good. Veggies taste good once you get used to it even, but remember the first time you ate spinach/ (insert your veggie tale here) and it tasted terrible and then years later you love it? You have to outgrow what you wanted as a baby. Your body has changed my friend/not.
Your body has learned what is available and what to accept as it’s nutrient source…I’m so sick of letter alignment. Like the size and the way it is all in lines…and the way most letters are the same height…it gets pretty…frustrating
How to get out of the college of idea of bad health:
Stop thinking it won’t affect you later
Stop making bagillions of excuses (Yeah I made a new word based on an old one)
Find Local Food
Get a Group Together to Cook
Start a Meetup Group for It
You just eat it and then it’s gone
There was no learning or exploration on how to make it, how to get that crunch in your munch or cook the chicken all the way through or how you can improve it next time or keep it forever in a family cookbook. It’s just…gone…
I had the best chicken I’ve ever had in my life the other day by a recipe from this gal. She taught me to put it in pickle juice the night before to get it all juicy. I had no clue this was a thing in the world and now I’ll use it forever. What do you get from Cane’s? A number to order it again?
And cheeses. Oh fuck fast food does not know cheese. Cheese has so many flavors and textures and moments to reallly savor. You don’t get that from a five cent two minute skank building. You get it from going to a store surrounding itself in possibility and vegetables and fruits with exotic colors that can be heated or colded into moments for your mouth and you find the cheese section. You stop. You stare. You pick up that cheese and read the words about where it is from and what it can do and if the person who made it cared. If you can find queso fresco you fry it with coconut oil (after it is smoking and cut into cubes) and you eat that. Just that with nothing else and learn heaven. We can all just pretend there is a heaven for that. Then you get cheddar and use it in a casserole or just by itself or in a souffle or mashed cauliflower and you never regret any moment with it. You can even grind some into fresh strings over avocado split in half with it’s seed taken aside and bake it until melted then just…eat …well actually make bacon and add that to it.
If you are skrimping on a budget all you need is access to a mini fridge to stop eating out and I’m sure you can make anything they do because it just took them two minutes..less/more/a little/I don’t know but it’s ridiculous to use that as an excuse when a tiny building is not some sacred hale of magic wonder. You can do anything they can do better. You could even go to the deli and get lunch meat and lettuce and avocados and cheese and whatever spice you like and live on that, maybe add pads of butter or coconut oil or peanut butter to get lovely fats in. You can even make herbed butter, wine butter. Just learn to experiment and love your food. It is just as time consuming as getting fast food and you get to have control over your life more. I know I didn’t say to get bread for your sandwiches but the world is waking up to carbs being bad for us and forced down our throats from corporations so I’m giving examples of ease without them. All they do is stifle flavor mostly or hold delicious things in place. Instead, find more delicious things to hold food in place or just use a plate, and a fork, and a knife.
*finished Cane’s* *heart hurts even more*
Yeah no. Fast food is over. It’s not heart emotional pain this is actual physical pain. My body is refusing this at this point and speaking through it’s pumping ferocity.
Actually hit depression. Don’t want to do anything, especially not D&D due to having to make a character sheet. Hate doing anything really…standing up and exercise and being outside help but sitting in a chair makes me want to sit and brood and do nothing else.
I have an idea!!
I’ll take the diets of my most suicidal friends and go from there. We’ll start with Jeff, then Adrian and work up to the least suicidal ones, having them track data at the same time and find direct correlations. Technically I’ve been doing Jeff and Adrian’s diet so time to find mildly depressed friends and see what they eat.