Sorry to have not come over last week.
I get scared of attachment and we were getting too close.
In truth though I cannot resist you. Too tempting and completely in my head. I daresay it might be love. Few can capture me it seems but now that you have me prepare yourself because the fucksation never ends.
Or you could just stop reading, but please do leave chocolate. Just not a whole box. I’m already committed to another one.
Here is the current mental data:
So yesterday I got to cook with an ancient friend of mine named Robbie. Ancient in the sense of known through intense life changes and so it feels like more time has passed than the four years we’ve known each other. We made chicken and dumplings. Well he mostly made it while I cut a carrot/potatoes and poured the wine then liquids/pushed in powders to the soup when he demanded. It was hard for my mind to conquer the moment of watching so much flour being used and knowing it would be inside me soon, but I endured for the sake of getting over myself. It was nommy.
The texture of the dumplings was like soft biscuits floating in thick broth with chicken moments. Although I loved the texture it is easy to separate taste and imagine creating it with almond flour…coconut flour probably. *cough* bias *cough*
I told him how that morning there were lots of chips and it caused a headache and then some mental negative moments to where I didn’t even want to come over but instead stay home in a little Ainsley shell. Also, that I couldn’t stop eating the chips to the point slowing down and chewing longly was difficult and that there was no full feeling after. I didn’t actually get why since the ingredients in the list for the chips actually were all natural.
He said it was all the starch in them and that especially if my body had adjusted to keto/using fats as an energy source instead of carbs, then it was having a hard time processing the starch chips. Starch is apparently just like sugar when it comes to the body and athletes will have sugar and then carbs to get the immediate burst of energy from the sugar and then after those are gone switch into the longer lasting carb source.
So I ate chips for breakfast…my hand got messy….didn’t even know….mother shouldn’t see this.
I even put the chips on an adorable plate
I have not been super caring about what I’m eating during the transition phase because eating the healthy freaky expensive food would feel a waste so that is frozen or in the cabinet and fast food is easy but hated. Then experiment Ainsley says fuck it and to go eat fast food to see what can be discovered from doing so while the addicted easy head parts agree. Internal battles are raging and I’m running out of pokeballs to hold them in.
My memory is getting wobbly again. It was a very large issue before keto to where I could not remember birthdays, names, dates or anything that involved memory over understanding. It was highly embarrassing and distressing for those in my life that just wanted a birthday gift and hug from their bestie. There was this human that said “Saying ‘I won’t remember’ causes the brain to not remember. Instead you have to say ‘I’ll remember later'”. I also started doing that around the same time as keto and one, the other or both caused my memory to spark. Apparently a lot was keto because I don’t remember how I got this bruise…yet saying that….may have also caused it. I’ll remember later.
The thought process was. How did I get that bruise *brain tries but doesn’t get a visual, mild memory of pain there* *fear ensues at memory lack* *fuck I don’t remember processes in head* *continues to not remember and fear that*
Don’t worry though I’m just a klutz that moves a lot.
But srsly who doesn’t remember that?
My friend with years of depression is on a vegetarian diet that has a lot of processed foods moments but also does involve lots of vegetables and noodles and rice. I fear he has a nutrients deficiency and the way he eats might contribute to his depression but currently that remains to be seen.
Some of the thought process I have gained to lead to this deals with seeing how hormones affected my mother into being angry for a lot of our childhood but when she went to get her hormones fixed and changed her diet she’s morphed into the beautiful person that handles the world in a completely different way and she has told me it all changed from the hormones being fixed and realizing her deficiencies. For details she’ll probably do a guest post for me someday so I don’t go from memory.
This morning I had two of the Pop-tarts. Oh! Because they’re tarts that pop up from the toaster…all kinds of realizations. Here is the video of me eating them and here is the video of the sugar comma effect.
Haul for the week based on mix of healthy and processed (friend’s diet)
Diary of Thoughts:
tldr; laughed at opposite times generally accepted for laughing and the ADHD is returning. There was also misery at night when someone wouldn’t stop pounding a basketball on top of the concrete for thirty minute while I tried to sleep and then realizing where I was…this new place so suddenly…transitioned so quickly was frightfully consuming
Ate pop tarts at 8:57
Not full at all. Just want more pop tarts Ate Lays chips.
Got headache five minutes later
Bit of a scratchy cloud in forehead
Moving is still hard and flustery. My mind is more spirited than my body. The world has put us into this strong sense of control to where it is false. We control cars and our food and are top of the food chain material. We go inside and sound stops, the outside stops. It is hard to believe floods and tornadoes could even kill us, at least, I have a disconnect from it.
Is it false though? We didn’t gain it but merely buy it. As in we didn’t learn or build or produce it (most of us) but just bought the car or someone did for us and now we control it. Such a powerful machine.
Then a bird comes out and sings. We can’t control it and there is anger. It is making us unhappy and as such should be controllable. Everything else that makes us happy can be controlled or bought away.
I got depressed!! I found a journal that said this about (human):
(picture insert of love for human)
It spiraled me….achy feelings of sorrow and depression of remembering in such a concrete way how much I love (human) and how much I cannot have him.
Body was fine in contribution factors to depression considering I wasn’t depressed before reading it.
Could be contributed to trigger response but….deep well of sadness from the human…the same pit feeling I get every time I see my love for him and connect it to now. Those direct connections cause this direct feeling each time so it’s definitely an associative continual connection but the body has been an independent rather than dependent factor considering it can vary while the feeling does not.
Deep regret…able to reach depths/longevity due to diet?
Every time I see my healthy stuff it’s like nope. Save it for healthy days. Would be a waste right now.
How psycho yet rational. I love you me.
Cellulose in the ass came back whenever I clench it and thighs have gotten bigger.
I don’t want to kill myself. I don’t know if it’s a necessary wanting to live feeling though but more of a not….thinking about it feeling. I’m existing and that’s the natural stop of the process. Not a lot of to the future thinking but for oh, that’s going to happen. Coo. Monday I’ll work with Kisa to get the ball rolling on a new project, get the things together for Lindsey to give to the parents for wedding potential and work on two books I haven’t gotten around to but the thoughts for are being stored and taking up mind space.
I burden your eyes with detail because these things hold data meaning with more factual data than just ‘things that cause me to think of the future/potentially look forward to it and cause a sway’.
In thinking mode of where to go next I’ve just been eating whatever is lying in oral vicinity. Popcorn, Fuzzy’s burritos, ice cream, water/tea, a plum and granola bars. The popcorn and ice cream did cause pained mental and bodily reactions as well as slower decision making and.
I laughed at inappropriate things. Now laughter seems to be from an unexpected moment that causes the future to be brighter/happier/make someone want to live. Just as tears seem to come from a person having a negative change towards an unhappy future (think of when you first heard of the Holocaust or 9/11 and wanted to cry due to a negative shift in reality or when you laughed because life was better than you thought like when you win a sports game or find love). Someone told me they were having a baby and I laughed. Not an adorable lady laugh but a haha that sucks laugh. It just came out and I really couldn’t take it back.
The conversation from there went to oh with who…turns out it was the co worker right beside us that also heard the laugh.
But we seemed to move on because he talked to me like a friend and she remained tolerant of me so all is well.
There was another time lost in memory of a laughter towards a negative but it seems my mind switched to opposites…a miswire in connections…or I’m just fucked up…but them being 21 and having a baby made me laugh because well…it was a why?!!? Have you not heard the other options…sigh…it’s a lot of self projection. I’ve gotten out of the desire to have kids at this age (in a few years I’ll happily raise one most likely…maybe…I haven’t discovered if this world is worth living in just yet…to bring someone into it…yet to allow them to discover it’s wonders…it’s a tough debate for me). So them having a kid was shocking and instead of tears or holding back I laughed !!!!! That’s it! It was odd due to inhibitions being down. Usually, as society would dictate, the person would hold in exterior self biased feelings and go with what is supposed to be said.
That’s the word.
How could I forget that proper word at the proper time?
ADHD. Developmental lacking in the brain….my inhibitions were down at all the wrong times…if diet plays a role then maybe it helps wire inhibitions and calm down that spontaneity/hyperactivity from rising up again. On keto I was able to control life so much more and what was said to the point of being a mature adult. On carbs I want to say fuck it a lot and give up on trying to even be an adult but just kind of DUHhhhhh it out for hours…or years…cuz easier and because maybe my brain is causing those reactions …maybe the food is causing it…..
Took off bra. Felt better. Thought thing more conquerable. Conquerable..oh nope, thought of it again and got sad but didn’t hold it in as hard. Due to:
Taking bra off (does the body also feeling it cause heightened negative emotion plus prolonged, interaction)
Self bias at noticing these feelings (least likely due to controlled mental manipulation but is continued factor X(((((((((((((( RAWR ))
When the future becomes negative thoughts become wicked.
I know the thoughts.
The deep ones you harbor and savor.
They feel consuming yet…they matter. They mean more than the words around. Fuck they mean the most. You reach caverns of thought it feels you had to reach…but you know more. Are more intelligent.
But…that negative…dark side. The one where you hide and don’t want to escape…that people say is from you not being christian…
Which makes it all the more scrumglorious to be consumed in. Deeply twining and beating your heart to the deepest bass a soul can know and you’re loving it because it is the only future you become.
Yet…it laughs at you. It wants you to stay but torments you yo go. An abusive classic.
What if though.
That negative thought process…comes from the body not wanting to live and manifesting mentally. Manifesting. Mindfesting…awakefe…later..
But…we spiral into thoughts of existence…why we exist. Well if our body is distraught and not wanting to live/not liking existing then thinking of existing at all could cause a negative future perception. Thinking of why? Is also negative because it is also related. If existence is the most spiraling thought into suicide then does that not correlate?
But overall suicide is obviously linked to existing at all since it isn’t stopping it and there are billions of outside factors like losing your job or a breakup. Life changers. More life changing with a family. And in a world where we lack control over our lives without others then those things are hard to conquer and then a system that junks out our bodies and makes it even harder to want to live or conquer future moments leads to suicide…to not be able to handle life.
Sigh…how is there so much wrong with the world?
For your pleasure I tried to be a pimp again….never again