The McSuicide Experiment Day 18

I have returned. To Lubbock also. Willingly even.

Leading to the final nail in the coffin that I’m mad.

It’s okay I admitted it first.

Before leaving though I did stop off at The Steeping Room which has become a tradition of mine when in Austin. Especially if any life changes occur. I tend to travel back into physical memories as a type of emotional cleansing and reflection on who I was when last there. Highly mentally recommended. Unless your puppy died there. Don’t go back there.

Look at that delicious morning glow

I even ate two whole slices of whole wheat bread with jam. Sugar jam. Then I spread the rest of the butter on the omelette. That was a bit too watering of my keto roots so I put the jam on top too. OH MY NOMS. The moment I return to keto mind *happy sways* I am making the keto version of this. Which would just be making sugar free jam and that’s already humbly awaiting my mouth in the fridge.

The bread did cause an immediate change though. I was enjoying staring at the local Austin life and the adorable waitress meandering about when all of that roared into a blur and I desired to leave instead. There was a trip to Free People across the walking way planned, but even that sounded like the almost perfect bubble popping. Social reclusion. Mwahahah the study is working, but also it sucked because The Steeping Room is usually a delicious mental and food end to a trip. Last time I had roast beef pesto sandwich without the bread and had delicious mouth and mind moments during and after.

Yet there the desire to go into a social fetal position was in my head without any means of me getting it out. When we can merge in and out of being holograms this will be so much easier. Eat food. Track on neuroimaging machine. Turn hologram. Program things to remove food. Return to physical form. Oh the woes of physical forms.

Today…


Even the idea of eating is depressing me.  Eating has become too complicated…or I’m still firing into fast food connections. I officially want to end the depression. This is no longer mentally worthwhile to feel so…hopeless and like the light at the end of the tunnel has faded. I want to be happy again. Then…well…realization. Other people can eat this norm carb diet and be happy while it depresses me…what is that difference? What if thinking of depression so much and just that word itself causes depression connections to occur? What if through analyzing and tempting up negative thoughts they are manifesting into me?

I was talking to a friend about it just the other day. Once you’ve reached those depression connections/suicidal connections are you able to reach them without the food/whatever caused them? Can we ever truly escape that darkness once we have found it? Can we trigger negative connections all the time even through associations.

You see a statue of Nemo dancing on the corpse of Mufasa and forever associate Nemo with a negative connection to the point even seeing him randomly can make you cry. In a more realistic scenario you eat a cheeto while watching Jaws and for the next 30 or so times (until the connection goes elsewhere) you get a slight chill when eating a cheeto as you connect the cheeto to a Jaws connection (usually fear).

Well Jeff countered with:

“Only if the same is true for the light, and good, and the strength that you draw from the positive parts of your life” (Textra 2015).

*smiles* I like him. That’s beautiful and he’s a friend that deals with depression as well. His diet is horrid and one of the first ones I tried. Don’t know how he keeps living on it but maybe he relies on those positive notes…that hope. Even in the darkness we can feel those triggers of when we wanted life and force them to exist again and connect us to living. The human mind is so blissfuckingly cool.

Later than Today…/The Hours Left in It

So I’m going to rely on happy thoughts and even the word happy for a while and see what that does. Thinking depressing things and eating depressing things definitely leads to suicidal thoughts, but before I think of negative things and have a happy diet I need to eat negative things and have happy thoughts.

Negative thoughts + negative energy source = suicidal desires

Positive thoughts + negative energy source = ?

I already feel lighter and free with this idea. I’ve been chanting and dancing over the word happy, feeling like a cure pill for me. Naturally I’m a fairy so this is way more my nature. Mixed with chaos bursts of course, sometimes into self experiments.

This also lends the change to work on the fairy world for a book I’ve been working on and it has very minimal in it when it comes to the world itself…outside of food and basic principles…okay it actually has a lot but it just doesn’t feel nearly enough.

Imma go eat a cupcake and Instagram it…or find mousse…but that’s much further away.

MadeupLastName, Jeff. (2015). A Text to Ainsley. Textra.

 

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