The McSuicide Experiment Day 19

Smiling is so contagious.

If you click Smiling you’ll see it move on Instagram. 

Sometimes someone will be looking at me and without looking back I’ll just smile and watch their lips follow up in my peripheral vision.

Oodles of happy times spreading easier than softened Kerrygold on a lavender scone. Imma just go mouthgasm for a moment.

In all cerealness though having happy thoughts has changed everything mentally. I’m blissing over in happiness and haven’t felt suicidal at all for…since the last post so that was 11:18. Cozying up to 24 hours (it’s 11:37 now). There were depression tinkers when people would bring up their negative life stuff in interference with my bliss state, but even that was calmable and I was able to care with detachment from negativity still holding.

The worry is that I’m floating in an ignorance is bliss state but as of yet it doesn’t feel wrong or even truly true. Not sparking off negative connections does not necessarily make you ignorant. It is simply not provoking yourself into negative feelings intellect. That’s like saying I’m ignorant due to not firing off connections for teletubbies on a day to day basis. Admittedly I’m actively avoiding the depression thoughts and the word itself while in general I forget those little teletubbie exist. They graced my brain for a few years until they got creepy from relating them to…that movie. Don’t even know how to Google it but there was a weird hand coming out of someone’s head and a control aspect hovering over as a theme.

Confident Ainsley Mode Reactivated

Mindstream Moment: The awkward version of confidence I’ve had since returning to Lubbock has also been replaced with the confident me. Or….actually I didn’t really change into awkward until….probably in the shift to a new work environment. No…even then it held for a while….!!! I know when it faded and it actually was not in direct causation with this study but an outside factor. Honestly it might also have been exactly with the study but at this point I’m making up a memory until it feels real so we’ll just go with nobody knows.
So social anxiety changed to desire and planning events. Seclusion cravings went to cozying up to everyone and turning strangers to friend bubbles I could float on. At first it went like: Sigh…eating again….so fucking complicated*insert the true face of a sad child here* to…



Hungry? Why yes I am *challenge mode music*


Hunger is annoying…

Wait..happy thoughts week.

Hunger is exciting and a potential for discovery *actually feels better* *mentally free laugh* (Daschofsky, 2015, p. 48).

Also the day before that one I declared to be the last day I would ever have soda due to:



Coca-Cola Life caused cold burning at back of throat and lots of burps. Finished anyways 😉


It’s burning again! That exact flurry of pain tingles. Like pop rocks exploding in vigor at the back of my throat until a burp’s release.


Officially through with soda in this life (Daschofsky, 2015, p. 47).

So yesterday, when I got into the car after deciding to do perceivably negative energy source with positive thoughts, I found this…



How convenient.

One more time….

I drank some life.

It was warmed from the sun. Also yes I drank a day old flat soda that was super warm and delicious in my mouth. The syrup gets a chance to blend and the bubbles aren’t so bursting into the flavor. I like almost all liquids (probably some untried ones that counter this) at their fresh and old tastes as well as hot through to the cold spectrum. Not after about four days though…then it’s just wrong.

In a makeup to myself from The Steeping Room experience I went to Torchy’s Tacos (another life moment place) and was highly mouth pleased. Also Oh my god monthly Torchy’s Taco thing is sooo mouthgasm! Go get now. Nothing else as important. Go go.

You have my undying persuasion.

(It has bacon)


I even stopped two bites in to eat the other (I save the best for last…and to give Thomas a bite at his arrival). It may have also tasted so epic due to ish meat deprivation but that was the inner carnivore satisfaction I deeply craved. I also feel meat, butter, and eggs make you full body wise and veggies make you full mentally. One needs to exist with the other.

Thoughts on Cravings:


On happy mind I crave cupcakes.

The worry there is…even when I went into them with a happy mind last time they caused a negative reaction minutes after consumption….as though since I liked the eating in the moment and memories of the past, the negative connections directly after are forgotten and not provoked in just thinking of them…but maybe that’s just how memory works. When we think back on food it is generally in the moment and unless we vomit for hours get a hangover you just remember that satisfying moment and lick your mouth roof in anticipation (hiding randomly licking in public).

Another thought of yesterday is a tie into the sexual and suicide opposite theory. We tend to think attractive people are happy and think they don’t generally have depression. Why? My idea is we are instinctively and naturally viewing them as reproductive creatures over the opposite i.e. being suicidal. Natural noticement of opposites. I’m sure if you get to know them they have issues too though. We’re all unique suicidal little flowers.

Grudges and Negative Laughters Return

A little work blimp…well it did have a negative change directly rebounding off a happy moment, but the grudge of it was hard to let go of. It felt as though it was physically sticking to me. I had wanted to work a shift and earn the greens but not enough people showed up for the movie time and so I got sent home. It was a completely understandable occurrence but I hated having to be there and greet people for about an hour then just get sent home with only server wage for the hour when I need to be saving money up for college. Huh…venting of it seemed to finally release all of that grudge but there were bits of it still sticking that have steamed off. Can emotions actually stick to us?

I would also laugh mentally at people having bad things happen to them. For instance at 7:42 yesterday:

Happy future of negative thinking
Road rage but with happy tinkerings led to thoughts of making her her own hell..with demon spew folding into bubbles that floated all around her. Even made me happy. (Daschofsky, 2015, p. 51).

There was also a Torchy’s Tini yesterday:


I just did this because I love the picture

What’s Coming…

Getting a cupcake.

Daschofsky, Ainsley. (Probably 2016). Rated R The Box of Chocolates Experiment. 

P.S. If you are a first time viewer to this blog I request you begin at the beginning.

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