The McSuicide Experiment Day 30

Okay so I woke up and had outside thoughts…then got mad at myself…and. Okay so I’ve lost the control to control every single thought.
It feels so rare that we can acknowledge the negative in life without it being a very close friend who we still fear will leave us. Otherwise it’s an actor pretending…disconnecting us from that person and usually after they’re dead. That’s why this has my real name on it and even thoughts I consider deeply not sharing, keeping some me for me but…that would feel selfish.

I balance out the happy a lot but since there is exposed negative raw here it might feel overwhelming to some who go around in life not hearing or taking about it.

So when I speak of love…I am deeply loved by many. I just so happen to still need a base type of human, but I need someone that can handle the sporadic blissfuck of my mind and be blissfucky all on their own yet have common sense enough to function in this world. And be healthy…my version of it, and question existence. It’s a tall order.

But also…I fear having a base or compensating for life issues by giving myself something to love and live for to the point of not being able to analyze or overcome what depression really is. It would be…a denial of who I want to be.

When it comes to family I am also loved. 

They just had a hard time showing it when we were little and I think it had a lot to do with mom having an abusive past and then also having skewed chaos hormones. My aunt has it too and they didn’t know each other existed until about six years ago…I’ve lost track. Maybe more or less.  Growing up together didn’t cause them to both have anger issues and flashes of red that take them over. It happened in different environments, but both abusive. Anger and intolerance runs in that side of my family and my twin struggles with that anger more than I do. All of them also struggle with liking people and have strong flight or fight response triggers. I have all of this to a milder extent and the only variable that persists (since Abbey and I grew up in the same environment) is something in those genetics. The dependent variable has been my diet and I’ve been the most able to control that anger and feel the most love for people in general. Carb intolerance just runs down that line. That is bias but it can be tested. Mom even agrees we have it but this is something science can prove and if they’re willing I’ll let you know the results. 

Also Abbey and I did grow up with ADHD to where mother and father would ask us to do something and we just wouldn’t…they tried different ways but apparently the only one that worked was yelling. They found a way to deal with something they didn’t understand and I get that now…but it did skew my base to where I can feel and analyze this inner pain. An ADHD mind has to learn consequence because we genuinely don’t understand it. I even remember tying to and spending hours convincing my brain of why something was bad or why it mattered and it was very difficult. I still have to do it…even when it comes to things so obvious for other people. Breaking up with people that love me, lying to high extents that put others in false realities  (brother has issues with this too…it evolved as a coping mechanism), and mostly just mental harm to others was hard to care about.

Except that I would….deeply care and still do. All of that…there’s hope for. I didn’t start to overcome any of it until keto. It was all just consuming and I’d crawl up the memories and then just fall down. Bacon was my Bing Bong.

Hmm

People keep wondering why I care so much and…I know eventually this can be proven with neuroscience and future generations are already caring about health. But what about right now? What about the person killing themselves who doesn’t know why and thinks it’s their fault? Suicide rates are increasing…Belgium has a girl with suicidal thoughts since she was young and…Here’s the article about how the doctors are going to assist in her suicide. I’m all for people choosing if they live or die but…what if there’s a reason and I know what it is? Sometimes I consider doing naked videos just to spread the word more…sometimes….like every day.

Even moreso…what about the kid eating a Pop-Tart or Krispy Kreme right now…we joke about it and put flashy labels but if we are leading future generations into depression and suicide…I can’t…stand the idea of kids growing into ideas of suicide…ideas like this because of what is happening right now and can be changed.

Also something cool happened:
I gave my body just egg and peanut butter then it was like where’s the cheese and auto went to the fridge then was like “soup too”?
My thoughts came from my body. Its like I was translating for it.
Despite martinis and chilton’s it has learned its morning nutrients/afternoon.
I even saw bacon and was auto hearing a “no that’s for later”.

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